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Ryan Ridge




Horses in Heaven

I TAKE PLEASURE in clean surfaces. I’d like to live on a little boat and people could call me Captain. Money stops me from most things. The temptations of temporal wealth aren't overwhelming at all. When someone vomits in New York City on New Year’s I do too. The last time I went to church it was on a cruise ship, but without my wife. I am not bound by biological kinships. I have no particular preference when it comes to painters. Salvador Dali is a museum. Neglect everything, I say. Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always. The Bible says there will be horses in heaven, but I disagree. Sometimes I wonder about people. I am a combination of word choice, tone of voice and body language. There are no laws governing basketball courts. I’d like to go outside into the rain and let the rust never sleep. I’d like very much to stand beside a tree alone and see if there’s any wind in it. I look hot in a wetsuit. I don’t have children. The only thing I raise is hell. My mom drives me around all the time. Virtue is a vice. Slayer rules! I believe in God We Trust is oil. Many men produce only excrement, they say. Praise the Lord! Model airplanes don’t much pertain to the study of internal energy. Life itself is beautiful music, but the best music comes from tiny porcelain boxes. Conversations are surreal, especially when you set them on fire. I think that when humanity first begins to glimpse a really universal unified theory, it will blow everyone's mind. I lost my shit in Michigan. Most of the time I inspect my feces. The best way to become a genius is to close your eyes and open your heart. I don’t know the difference between impertinence and impermanence. I was speeding on the way to traffic school. I forgot to take my pills when I woke up. I'm with a man called Nacho. He's from Spain. I love him. I breathe smog. It’s actually quite refreshing. When I was younger I knew a kid who sang a song about toast and crucifixes. The chorus went: burnt to a crisp / like toast on a crucifix. I have no respect for rivers. I look like an aging Barbie doll. I dance like I like to dance but I don’t like to dance. War is my father’s generation. My checkbook is drunk. NASCAR is not NASCAR backwards. The world is everything around us. I keep my birth certificate in my boot. Amen to heavy metal. I throw the old boomerang around on my free time. Taylor Gang or die. I am horses. Illness, injuries, diseases, lameness, nutrition, and more. There is nothing magic about those markers. Life has no meaning––it is meaning. I’m not good at math. I ride around town on my lowrider bicycle. I’m a ballerina. Being old gets old. I have many mounted animals in my den. Sometimes a Great Notion is on TV. I like to think so at least. Dark matter is a matter of personal opinion. I have no idea how a radio works. Or even if it does. Chocolate and cheese are my favorite narcotics. In the Land of Made for TV Movies pay-per-view is king. I look good in leather. So good. I’m sorry. I feel bad for people who apologize. I can’t explain erectile dysfunction. There is no end to the ways one can phrase stupid questions about a stupid place like heaven. Let us pray.


[Note: These pieces were generated by posing the questions from Padgett Powell's Interrogative Mood to a trio of internet chatbots: Cleverbot, Brother Jerome, and Sensation Bot respectively.]



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